day 1 Dec.26,2009

well, I've definatly figured one thing out. I have anxiety! and im lazy. but i dont think its completly my fault.
i do blame my mother. maybe i shouldnt. but i do. i feel like shes never truly appreciated the fact that she has a daughter...ok maybe appreciate isnt the right word, but she doesnt awknowledge that I am truly here. or have any significance. does that make any sense?
Ill be 19 in Febuary, and i dont have a license. or permit. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?
from when i was 16, until now, the exscuses are: cant afford to put you on the insurance , dont have time to take off work, your grades arent high enough. Now that I am in college, I tell her to give me my papers and my social card, and what do i get? "No, you'll lose them." really?
i think my anxiety and my laziness comes from the fact that i have no other experience otherwise.

im living the life of an almost 19 year old, in college, paying bills. with no car, no car to get to a job i dont have yet. i do things i need to get done, and i do go places. i have also come to the realization that i need to start feeling angry, and sorry for myself every once in awhile and admit that just because my mother wont allow me to have a car , but still exspects me to come home and see her somehow, doesnt make me a failure.

I am not a failure because i cant do things that i cannot do. i am a failure because i dont make the things i cannot do, happen and better my life. instead of building walls, i am a bridge that carries everybody else and is used and cared about periodically.

how wonderful.
lentil soup doesnt heal a soul when someones losing faith in so many things.



Add on-10:11pm


i have just convinced myself of a few things: to be different i need to change some things in my life,im going to stop eating candy, fast food and inhaling soda pop. cussing to a LOW, get a fun job,and go back to being a virgin. yup, thats me. not a whore, but not a virgin either. WOW. i need some glue to hold myself together!